script.
(in progress)

I think you know when you’re playing it safe, when you’re stagnating, and when you’re growing. It’s probably an ongoing thing for all of us — and a tricky balance. Obviously it’s important to not overreach or you risk bypassing fertile moments, but I do try to learn at least one thing, to reach out in terms of software or growing in my arrangements, or I probably tend to push harder and harder on my capabilities. I become my own teacher. I think that’s more of a gut feeling. And then to be too foolhardy can obviously be your downfall. I’ve definitely been guilty of that many times… But it’s worth it.
I discovered early on that I’m the kind of person that experiments and makes mistakes but then it’s all worth it because once in a blue moon it hits home. So, in that way, I think being brave also leaves you vulnerable. Another answer could be that as a live performer I understand and appreciate the power of dynamics and surprise. If you always express yourself in the same way all your life it might lose some of its potential or dynamite. I think everyone has to follow their own mission. Some are more poetic, some more direct. Diversity is everything. I enjoy that technicolor feeling that it gives me. Personal politics are complex and never simplistic, and just expressing oneself alone can be a major act of rebellion, a radical force even though it doesn’t include any spelled out politics.
Like I said before, bravery is this gut feeling to not coagulate or crystalize but to stay liquid. I guess that’s what Utopia is about. I like that the word has luggage. It is about your fantasy but also about how you mix reality into it, and how you do that is really descriptive of what kind of person you are. I’m curious about the gap between the two.
I guess that was some sort of sense of humor about myself, I’m probably self-deprecating more often than people think. Sometimes I think it’s overrated when people are going through happy periods in their lives how "whole" they say are. I think sometimes when people are going through their roughest patches they are actually kind of "whole,” it’s sort of topsy-turvy… It cannot be too planned ahead; sometimes it’s only afterwards that it becomes clear what it is. But before or during … It’s a mystery. This has been brewing inside me for a long time
loss, love, renewal, tectonics and fire-breathing dragons.
“It’s all about timing, it’s like a spell. And some people are just better at it than others.”
Sometimes you just have to infuse mundanity with a little Lord of the Rings–core, dragoncore, firecore, I feel like that’s very much what these days feel like; daily tasks are very limited and yet it feels so fire and brimstone. “I’m sort of giving into mysticism and I’m not afraid to admit it. In the past I’ve been so frustrated with the American spiritual fraud, the colonisation and bastardisation of Eastern philosophies, it really bothered me a lot of the time“I went flying in the sand and landed on concrete. I didn’t know I could actually fly that far. I flew!”
I created a portal into a fantasy world to escape in
“I had lots of scratches that I needed to itch, lots of impulses. “My struggle has been trying to satisfy all the different ways in which I’m inspired into something that I think works. I get bored easily and also I like to mix things up for my own mental health just for who I am really, saying that’s the way to be.”
But at least I have the experience to back it up. I gave too many fucks about what people said. I don’t really give a fuck what anyone says at this point.” it looked like a maze, and there were different hypothetical zones where I would be performing,
‘oh shit, this is fucking happening and I’m so fucking busy! I think that in spite of my sprawling taste and unpredictability in style, I’m kind of allergic to things that aren’t completely me.
Not a lot of sleep, tonnes of coffee and discipline
These are really detailed experiences with arcs and points of narrative abstracted. They’re really embroidered. I try to remind myself to stay in the wonderment of it all. Of course, it’s not all super cold and dry and boring, it’s beautiful,
I loved seeing where all the data started turning into mystery, into noise, and that glassy eyed wonderment and curiosity. That was the inspiration. In all the mirrors that reflect reality, they all receive ourselves, so, I mean… Humans are paranoid schizophrenics when it comes to pattern recognition and that shit. It’s a decision, really. Sometimes it’s very useful for me to be like, “Oh, it’s just because I’m a Pisces.” I’m not doubting the planetary, astral pull, but people spout on that shit constantly.
it’s like I’m engaging in some choreography, harnessing my energy and really able to focus and manifest myself into the situation. You ask it a question, but I try not to ask it a question in words. I try to close my eyes and put [myself] in this hypothetical place where there’s this infinite number of outcomes. I know it sounds a little abstract, but that’s part of the beauty of it. It’s sort of synesthetic.
I think that, maybe to a fault, I’m overly emotionally inspired by different expressions and sounds. I have this huge impulse to try all these different things, and I think that’s what it is, ultimately. It’s purging all of these intense desires just to sort of get it out,
I’m such an emotional creature
I actively wanted to challenge my comfort zone.
I’m actually not a very witchy person
It’s just so much a part of me, it’s hard to even talk about.
I hope that it can remain pretty free-associative.
the more you’ll feel the characters — the parts of me, the different voices, the different feelings, the different moods that become like characters in this thing. I don’t know if it comes off super personal, because it’s all drenched in encryption at times, but it does feel very exposing to me. So maybe it’s me also protecting myself from feeling that vulnerability in viewing it as a film, to sort of separate the almost triggering emotions that can happen when I listen and hear these encapsulated emotional pockets.
I will admit to consulting the oracle, I really love the I Ching. You know, it’s one of the oldest texts in the world. It’s based on chance. What I like to do is throw the I Ching. To me, it’s much more gratifying — it’s like I’m engaging in some choreography, harnessing my energy and really able to focus and manifest myself into the situation. You ask it a question, but I try not to ask it a question in words. I try to close my eyes and put [myself] in this hypothetical place where there’s this infinite number of outcomes. I know it sounds a little abstract, but that’s part of the beauty of it. It’s sort of synesthetic.
taking these forms that feel ancient and putting them alongside more contemporary. it feels very “of the millennium”
I never work consecutively. I don’t work in a linear fashion. I know that’s creating some kind of obfuscation, for capitalism, but to me, it’s part of the whole thing. There was a limitation —In some ways, I feel like the next thing I need to do is release
. I feel like I’m in this purging of pent-up inspiration that is almost conflicting inspiration.
I definitely thought long and hard about the sequence and the way that my narrative happens. Everything was pretty symbolic in terms of the placement you know, millennial attention span is, like, nil
I need to comb through all of the stuff that is still attached, in my view of it, that nobody else can see or understand. I think the thing is that I actively wanted to challenge my comfort zone.
I was functioning from a very comfortable place. So I wanted to challenge myself. I was trying to explore something different from before
this hyper, glitchy, ambient drama
That came from a sort of cosmic, internet love affair
the idea of transforming from one thing into another thing, whether it’s some kind of body cyborg thing or something more internal
That same human/computer energy is really present now. At what point did that energy take over?
I think it was very present from the beginning. really feeling that “The Internet Is Handmade” through-thread, It’s just so much a part of me, it’s hard to even talk about.
more of a sensory, visual thing, or a long piece of narrative
I feel like I’m much more comfortable speaking with movement than I am sometimes even just speaking with words. It’s where I actually feel the most life, and the most pleasure.

It makes it feel less personal, but that doesn’t lessen the emotional intensity
One is a simulacrum from the other. I can feel the movement for a specific nuance in the body
Every little thing can be so clearly expressed and drawn out physically. That language — I flip-flop from feeling like it’s very hard to express myself to then feeling a hyper-sense of poetry in language. And sometimes that’s really frustrating for me, at least verbally. As a child, I was a really late reader. I had terrible dyslexia and was brutally teased because I could hardly read, and I had terrible test anxiety. But ever since I was young, I felt an incredible sense of body language. It becomes kind of an abstract concept, but I feel like I’m much more comfortable speaking with movement than I am sometimes even just speaking with words. It’s where I actually feel the most life and the most pleasure. It’s absolutely one shape.
My comfort zone is defined by the uncomfortable. dynamic when faced with contrast and new experience,. “I do tend to make those opportunities for myself where possible,” (laughing softly)
Becoming more visible was what felt comfortable to me at the time, as it felt like a challenge, opening up this new space for myself and others consequently to inhabit
“I experienced how tightly bound that influence is on the public. With such narrow paths for identity and output, you’re funnelled down to represent these narrow issues. It became quite restricting, in what was meant to be liberating. It was exposing, having an image tied to an old circus. I have to re-contextualise and reconsider, to take back the narrative.”
“I want to live in that strange, amorphous zone of discomfort, when it’s facilitating exactly what I want to make and achieve
I think I’m in a weird place, with confidence and playful curiosity, rather than the feelings of worry or confusion many would correlate with the ‘weird’.
a more experimental place that doesn’t fit comfortably in any existing system.”
“I loved sci-fi, I was obsessed with aliens, and those cerebral sounds of Kraftwerk and Orbital merged with that. I would play them on my toy keyboard until I could go see them for myself.
“I had to create my own experiences, build on the response I had rather than anything going on around me.
“From when I was young, I was able to form my own loose fantasy, find my zone, and what resonated with me.”
“I need to somehow streamline everything, retake control over it, it’s something I’m working on every day. I think anyone claiming that they are limited in their ambitions to be underground is just selling themselves short,
“I have to constantly ground myself and realise I’m only really responsible for my own wellbeing. “You can’t take that weight on full time. Sometimes, it’s enough just to be yourself and be comfortable in you. Do I feel some kind of responsibility? Yes of course, but I try to ignore that and focus on what feels right to me, first of all. And I think only by doing that, can I actually be responsible for other people,
I’m moving past that feeling of being empowered in a revolutionary way. It’s something, for sanity’s sake, I needed to reel back.”
“I want to normalise myself and my ideas

THE BEAUTY of just existing there in a timeless posture of grace absolute beauty at face value, in a context of no context only realized till now through the interface, any interface elevating the image at a state of being, a statue, a posture digitally present but not really

It's not a selfish practice. I mean yes, there's two sides to the coin: it's selfish but being sustainable and self-reliant is also very anti-capitalist. There's a Buckminster Fuller quote that if anything's going to kill the human race it's going to be that there's too many specialised people. Having many skills and being self-sustainable is very attractive to me. It's probably because of what's going on . I love the polarisation in me: the battery – opposite forces – that powers me.
Building a lexicon is helpful to me to lubricate communicating a feeling
It means underground. It means everything underneath the head: the heart, the gut, the feet. Everything under the ego and the rationale and all of this self-consciousness and self-editing. What have I promised myself to and when do I abandon promises? When do I end a relationship? When do I kill this part of myself that's not serving my growth? Shedding the exoskeleton and being reborn. The catastrophic horror of a volcano erupting also has provided the most nutritious ecosystems in nature. You know I said I've had this egg growing inside of me? It has felt like an eternity. The time that it takes for carbon to be pressed into a diamond. For crystals and rocks to form. And also that explosive point when a volcano erupts after hundreds and hundreds of years. It feels that way. It's almost too perfect
t's funny how we associate toxicity with the unnatural, though the gases that leak out of a volcano are extremely toxic but those are the most natural. The burning of gasoline is clearly damaging to the planet but we also take it out of the Earth. I often think about the selfishness of people who are like "we're destroying the planet!". No, we're destroying the resources for our survival. The Earth will be just fine. She's just gonna pop into a vanilla sky ice age and then come out with a bunch of way cooler species from whatever tiny little cell is resuscitated by photosynthesis once she melts. hope belongs to humans; faith belongs to the Earth. But I don't want this to be interpreted that I'm not extremely invested in lessening my carbon footprint and being vigilant about how I can be a node in moving forward.
I play this game with myself sometimes like "don't spend any money today – not a cent". You wouldn't believe how difficult it is. Like I'm not a prepper but this is how larval my state of trying to move out of that. Can I just prepare enough to not buy anything in one day? Nothing online. Just prepare enough to live for a week, without having to buy anything.
I find thinking about animal energy really useful. Like if I'm nervous and I have to go into a room, I find that if I think about a tiger or a panther, if I meditate on that energy, I can move better. A friend of mine was telling me "you're an animal " as if it's a category. I guess I am? I guess I'm an animal!
If one could slow one's molecules down lower than the body temperature to hyper freezing, one might be able to resist the heat of flames enveloping one. Then I imagined that one wouldn't want to be too cold. I'd want to dial my body heat to exactly the resistance to gently oscillate between melting & sudden blushes & frosting back up into crystal. The melting blushes appear like dew upon my skin.
the essence of it all to me is love It is a deep letter to myself, my own bible I have to write in order to trust and believe in life. Trust in myself and my character as a human being.”
I’ve definitely allowed myself to be way more spiritual than before. The self has finally had some real downtime. I mean, it’s amazing how I’ve always showed up for myself, so I felt that I deserved it.
came to me, mostly how all meaningful things come to me, through the subconscious.
feels like a huge autobiography/self-portrait composed over the course of several lifetimes. I feel like I’m remembering the past and imagining the future. Orgasmic
I’ve always been very focused. My only responsibility is to think, feel, speak, and act truthfully. It’s beautiful if you show rawness. I want the experience of what I do to be as personal as possible. I just feel like we live in an age where we’re supposed to perform all the time. I like to show off my pureness, not just the polished end product. I love to show the process – the process is more important than the outcome.
We’re human beings so, we’re not the same every day, even if we have to perform some sort of image. I sometimes feel sorry for people that become trapped in a performance of their own lives. I could never live like that. I want to be a full person.
When you’re zooming in every day, then suddenly the journey becomes bigger than you. When I look back at it I wonder, ‘Wow, how did we get here?’ I’m not necessarily judging it because the process to me has been incredible. The goods, the bads, all of it. Some days I feel extremely grateful, some days I feel very dark and lost. It’s a human journey of feeling.
I’ve been a late bloomer and really thrown myself into it. I wouldn’t say overconfident, but a bit where you don’t necessarily see the risks of something? Rigorous? I’m resilient. I recognize my own strength, and I don’t see it as a danger. I don’t know whether or not it will be a financial or a societal success, I just try to be more free and philosophical about the approach of the actual path that I’ve taken. How dark and lonely it can be sometimes, but it also gives you a lot of light because it’s your choice. It hasn’t been chosen for you.
Nature versus nurture is incredibly interesting to me. I believe in transformative experiences, it’s just about individual decision-making and to what extent that decision is yours to make. The path that I’ve chosen isn’t necessarily an easy one, but I like to be in a state where I don’t feel as if I know it all. That really shuts down your creativity. It’s also kind of dangerous to apply a certain type of spirituality or belief as a placebo to cure it all.
It started with a question that I had, that life is not a decision we make. I literally sat with that question for hours one day. We make ourselves so full of power, but we also kill, and we’re cruel. How is it possible that within our brain we actually think that it is our decision to make.